Have you ever seen a gorgeous sexy photo of a woman in lace, maybe black and white. She looks confident and full of a special secretive and seducive joy that is completely hers. I am going to star in my own personal boudior session with photographer Rebbeca Sigala. I will be that girl, in the perfectly arranged make up and hair. In the exact lingerie the suits me and in a gorgeous location worthy of my seductive, secretive personal and private joy. Sorry, you won't see the pictures here, or anywhere. They are for myself and my husband of 12 years. What I will tell you is that I could not have done this in my twenties. I turned 31 this year, and after four children, and thirteen years devoted to loving myself and my body, I finally, truly feel like the woman I would be in those pictures.
I in no way blame growing up observant or blame my parents or society or barbie dolls or too small clothes for why in took me so long, to be so comfortable. Instead, I would say that in a modern world every young girl is exposed to many ideas about modesty, sexuality, femiminity and beauty. Those various ideas, images and experiences with fellow girls, boys and adults shape the input each young girl experiences. I then mixed all of these impressions with the hormones and insecurites of youth. I also had the blessing to be taught without any doubt, by my parents that I was beautiful. It is so deeply etched in my psyche that even in my lowest point of taking diet pills, I knew I was beautiful but also fat.
Fat was what I ran away from for so long. I was eight when all of a sudden I had a weight problem. That problem did not stop becoming a topic of conversation until I was eighteen. That is a long and critical period to feel like every accomplishment is somehow diminshed due to your being overweight.
I was so blessed that my parenst taught me I was beautiful. Otherwise the albatross of being overweight would have been too much. That inner strength of absoutle knowledge of my true deep inner and outer beauty meant that at eighteen, I said enough is enough. I will be healthy but I will not diet. In a year, I was around the weight I am today. I have maintained my health and this weight through four pregnancies and 13 years, through aliyah and higher education and through going into business for myself. I have watched what I ate for health. I have cleansed my diet of unhealthy foods, exercised regularly and watched my body pay me back with four healthy babies, easy pregnancies, three drug free deliveries, boundless energy, and health and happiness. Yet, I weight only 3 kilo less, then I did after that year. In fact, that 3 kilo is my happy range. I go up and down a bit throughout the year, counting calories or points with eating my normal healthy way for a few weeks at a time after pregnancy or after a long winter.
I thought after the birth of my last child, three years ago, that the last nine kilo I had always wished to lose would go away by itself. It didn't. I still maintain my healthy weight with little extra effort thirteen years later. In the last year, I came to a relization that I have a mental block on truly going beyond that. I think it is time to remove it. It is time to heal that old wound deep inside. The place where I felt that my many accomplishments in school, and life, and work were only as good as my waist size. In order to put all that aside, I had to forget about it and choose to see things differently. I think it is time to forgive, and let go of the resentments I still bear.
My husband is a true gift. He thinks I am perfect as I am, he appriecates vocally how wonderful I keep my body and thanks me for creating a healthy envoirnment at home so that he too, looks and feels better then he did when we married. To give both us this gift I think is something we can cherish together. He would love me to take the pictures today. However, since his birthday is in August, it will give me enough time to delve into these old feelings and see what changes as I come to peace with them.
I do not have a weight loss goal between now and August. I will be continuing the sugar detox and 2-3 days a week check in in with my total points allotment and adjust my general portion sizes. I will keep doing my 30 minutes of daily yoga until the pool opens in June, But I will also go back to doing 15-30 minutes of HIIT training.
The most impoprtant part will be what I share with you here. You see I have been neglecting my blog this year and focusing on my Facebook posts. I have been too busy working and meeting you all in person to share my deeper thoughts and feelings in more than the 150- 250 words I can use in a Facebook post.
So I will be blogging bi-weeky about what I am journalling, meditating on and thinking about from my past struggles with weight and self-body esteem. I am excited to invite a wonderful and close freind who is a psychologist to weigh in on how we can promote a healthy body image for our own daughter's, sister's and neice's growng up today. This is going to be a truly growth oriented summer. If you have ever felt anything like I have described here, I'd love to hear from you in the comments or via email.
I hope you stay with me over the next few months and we can let go of our pasts and focus on valuing a wonderful legacy of health and true beauty.